Content warning: Mentions of self-harm, suicide, or suicidal thoughts
Written by volunteer Ben White, this blog details his journey through a depressive period, and the strength it took to change his life for the better.
My name is Ben, I am a 28-year-old medical secretary, from London. When it comes to mental health, everyone has a story to tell, whether it be about themselves, a friend, or a family member. Thank you for taking the time to read mine. It happened at a time when I felt invincible and then my world came crashing down around me. I had never felt so down and upset to the level I felt crippled with it. I felt lost and disconnected. It took a long time before I found my way again to being me. Here is my story.
I was 25 at the time, living with my then-partner, of 6 years, in the first house we bought together. I was working as an Events Administrator, whilst trying to establish myself as a sportswriter. I also had aspirations of representing my county at running, whilst undertaking some PA work for a couple of professional boxers and doing some charity work.
I was living my best life, waking up with purpose and ambition, and a dream of making a name for myself, when the path I was on, took an unexpected turn.
My partner and I split up.
I struggled to understand the breakup at the time. In my heart, I believed, I was my best self. I could not comprehend, how someone would give up on someone who gave their all. However, looking back, I understand this better now. It gave me time to reflect on myself and see things from an outside lens, and at a distance.
I came to realise that when on the inside I saw what I wanted to see, whereas on the outside, I saw what I didn’t want to, but needed to see.
She was my world. But I do not think I truly appreciated her value to me until she was gone. It was all well and good having hobbies and interests, but none were greater than the love I had for her. If only I had let that show. My hobbies and interests were built from the love and belief she had given me. When I lost her, I lost myself. I lost my belief and any purpose I had found.
I became very lonely in the weeks and months that followed the breakup, having lost that feeling of stability and permanency in my life. It would also lead to us losing the first house we bought together. Along with that, I was furloughed from work. Any indication of stability and permanency was swept away.
On the back of these events, I started resenting myself for not being good enough, particularly in regard to the relationship. I thought to myself, “If I am not good enough when I am at my best, then when am I good enough?!”
I felt I was living off instinct but no longer out of willingness. I was still eating, but not regularly and not healthily. I also started to neglect my appearance. All I wanted in life, was to feel wanted, so when I no longer felt that, I no longer felt seen. I no longer had a life that I wanted to progress in. Subsequently, my days and nights would be spent in the same place and in the same way as the night before, sobbing uncontrollably and in the hope I would not wake up when I did eventually fall asleep.
There was one day when I had to go outside for a car MOT. The thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore followed me out the door that day. Thankfully I did not opt for the quick and easy escape, my head so desperately wanted. I lived another day.
It begs the question, if I so clearly did not want to live on, then why did I make living my choice?
I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but this particular moment was not pre-meditated, and passed by so fast, the answer is somewhat unknown. But I do remember thinking to myself afterwards,
“What would my family have done without me? How would they have felt, had I opted the other way?”.
It made me think back to how I felt not good enough when my partner left me. Wouldn’t that make my family feel the same way if I took my life? This made me reflect on how my family have always loved me to the best of their ability and made me feel their love and protection. This did not warrant me taking my life. They brought me up to thrive and be successful, so if they, in all their hardships, did not give up on me, why would I give up on them?
That moment of reflection paved the way for me to rebuild myself. I would not recommend any of you, to give yourself a life ultimatum, nor would I say to you, think of your family and what they went through to raise you. As I appreciate, we are not all blessed with a loving home. However, what I would say to you is this, whatever age you are, see yourself as a project, because you have been working on yourself since the day you were born. You may not see yourself as perfect, but no project is perfect halfway through and your life experiences will refine your skills, in tackling what is to come. You may think to yourself, “But, I don’t want to feel this way any longer.” But what you are looking at now, will not look the same in a few years’ time. What you are feeling now, will not feel the same in a few years’ time. If you are building a bridge, you are not going to look at the bridge mid-project and think “This looks great, this feels great”. You are going to look at it and say, “This bridge is incomplete, it lacks stability but has the ability and potential to be something great.” And you, are exactly the same.
I also learnt that for many days, weeks, and months, I did not give myself time to heal, I only gave myself time to grieve. This meant I was breathing in nothing but negativity because I did not allow myself to see anything other than my own thoughts. When you have heightened emotions, your views can be somewhat distorted. This is because they are moment-driven, like in times when you say things you later regret because they were driven by a moment.
Upon these reflections, I realised the importance of stepping away from my emotions, to gain back some control over my thoughts. I started running again, a sport which had helped me in the past during a difficult time, so I was aware of its power. I knew of its capabilities, and how it produces endorphins, which effectively changes my mood, resulting in a calmer state of mind. This, in turn, lessens the negative energy and internal noise inside of me.
Alongside running itself, I started listening to running podcasts where I found people whose stories I could relate to. This gave me a sense of connection but also helped me in validating and understanding my feelings. By having my feelings validated, it made me feel less alone in my struggles. Whilst hearing how people overcame certain feelings, gave me a source of hope, that I could overcome my own. The biggest thing I have learnt from listening to these people is the importance of structure and routine in my life.
Thanks to the inspiration I had found in these individuals, they paved the way for me to see the strength in vulnerability, so much so, that I too, wanted to start opening up about my life journey. I have not gone through these events in my life, for them not to be seen or heard. If we share our struggles, we can understand others better, relate to others more, and be kinder to ourselves and those around us.
Writing has become one of my biggest forms of self-expression, I do this in the style of poetry. It allows me to be more expressive and less projective. Poetry has given me a greater sense of control, whilst lightening the burden of emotions I once carried.
When I think of Mental Health, I think of the different perspectives people have of it. I think of the lack of understanding we have as a society, the questions we have and the answers we don’t have, alongside the lack of coping mechanisms out there.
How can we teach what we do not know, how can we understand what we have not learnt? This is why it is crucial we support charities like MQ Health Research, to get these answers.
I cannot say I am “cured” of mental health issues now that I have moved past a difficult time in my life. You know as well as I do, life tests us constantly. However, I do feel more empowered and more equipped than before. I am seen, I am heard and I am me.
If you need help or are worried about someone, you can find help and resources here, or call 116 123 to speak to the Samaritans.
Learn more about exercise and its effects on your mental health here.
