Politics and Family: Does it really have to come to this?

Life has left you tattered and torn. Or maybe you’re celebrating a big achievement. Family is there to patch you up and share your joy. Wait, am I delusional? Politics and family: does it really have to come to this?

There’s been an overabundance of election news and commentary here in the U.S.

Accompanying are large quantities of bliss and sorrow.

Intro

Toward the end of election week, I caught a TV interview that aggravated and saddened me. And it’s still on my mind.

Chipur has always been apolitical, primarily because those of us trying to manage emotional and mental illnesses are already dealing with conflict and stress. So why would I pile it on?

Still, the interview hit so hard that I’m going to “go there.” Please understand that I’m expressing my opinion, not pointing political fingers. I could care less what side of the fence it came from.

Joy Reid’s Dr. Amanda Calhoun interview

On November 8, Joy Reid interviewed Dr. Amanda Calhoun on MSNBC’s “The Reid Out.” Dr. Calhoun is Chief Resident of the Yale Albert J. Solnit Integrated Adult/Child Psychiatry program.

I would love to have shared a video; but I don’t need copyright infringement worries. I can, however, share a transcript of the portion of the interview that yanked my chain and inspired this article…

JOY REID: If you meet somebody and know they voted for the people who called you trash, or if you’re Puerto Rican and know someone voted that way, what do you recommend in that situation? Do you recommend, from a psychological standpoint, being around them? We’ve got the holidays coming up.

DR. AMANDA CALHOUN: I love that you asked this question because there is a societal norm that if someone is your family, they are entitled to your time. I think the answer is absolutely not. If you are going through a situation where you have family members or close friends who you know have voted in ways that are against you, against your livelihood, it is completely fine to not be around those people and to tell them why. You can say, ‘I have a problem with the way that you voted because it went against my very livelihood, and I’m not going to be around you this holiday. I need to take some space for me.’

I talk to adults and also advise parents regarding their children. I don’t think you should force children or adults to be around people just because they are family. There is a need to establish boundaries, and if you feel like you need to establish boundaries with people, whether they are family or not, you should absolutely be entitled to do so. It may be essential for your mental health.

Does it really have to come to this?

Ms. Reid kicked things off by asking a reasonable question. I mean, the result of the Presidential election offended and hurt – even traumatized – millions of Americans.

So, given the holiday season is right around the corner, she asked Dr. Calhoun for her recommendations for folks who may have to be around people who voted for the opposing candidate.

Fair enough.

Dr. Calhoun’s response

Let’s take a point by pontoon at Dr. Calhoun’s response. I’ll weigh-in after each.

Dr. Calhoun began her response by submitting that family members feeling entitled to each other’s time is a societal norm. She emphasized that such is not the case.

Dr. Calhoun got off to a heavy-handed, hard-nosed start. While I agree that family members aren’t entitled to each other’s time, I don’t believe it’s absolute. And the opposite being a societal norm is questionable.

She went on to up the ante by stating if you know a family member or close friend voted for the candidate who’s against you or your livelihood, not being around them is fine – as is telling them why. She even offered a sample statement, with reference to the holidays, to handle it.

Well, I can’t say she’s wrong; however, has it really come to this? Let me make sure I got this right. It’s okay to stay away from family members and close friends during the holidays if their values, beliefs, and vote oppose yours.

Not only is it close-minded and rigid, it’s intentionally divisive.

Dr. Calhoun begins to wrap up her response by pointing out that she converses with adults and advises parents regarding their children. That being the case, she doesn’t think children or adults should be forced to be around people just because they’re family.

Okay, perhaps it applies to adults, but with few exceptions, not children.

Finally, she talks about the need to establish boundaries, as it may be essential to one’s mental health. So if one feels the need to do so – family or otherwise – they’re entitled to.

Sure, boundaries are crucial, and we’re all entitled to set them. However, the idea is self-protection, not for the sake of a cause.

The nuclear family is dying

Well, now you know why I found the interview aggravating and sad – point by point.

If you haven’t noticed, the nuclear family is dying. So if there was ever a time to encourage family cohesiveness, it’s now.

Listen, I’m not naive or delusional  I know there are broken families and innocent victims. And I know there are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, and sisters that wouldn’t talk to each other for all the money in the world.

If you’re one of them, it’s awful that your family let you down and hurt you. But the nuclear family is natural and has to stand. Intentionally devaluing it is wrong.

That’s what Dr. Calhoun was doing.

Support the concept of family

Family is there to patch you up and share your joy. It may seem like an observation from long ago. But I think in the majority of households it’s true.

Even if we’ve had the worst family experience imaginable, it’s essential to support the concept of family. And any effort to malign or destroy it has to be confronted and put down.

Politics and family: it doesn’t have to come to this. Happy holidays.

Those Chipur info and inspiration articles: review all of the titles or by category below.

Dr. Amanda Calhoun image: Fair Use under U.S. copyright laws

After a decades-long battle with panic, generalized anxiety, fluctuating moods, and alcohol dependence; Bill finally found his life’s passion and work – lending a hand to those in the same boat. At age 49 he hit grad school and earned his counseling credentials. And he continues his service through Chipur and other projects.